Understanding Why Victims Stay
When it is a viable option, it is best for victims to do what they can to escape their abusers. However, this is not the case in all situations. Abusers repeatedly go to extremes to prevent the victim from leaving. In fact, leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time for a victim of domestic violence. One study found in interviews with men who have killed their wives that either threats of seperation by their partner or actual separations were most often the precipitating events that led to the murder.
A victim's reasons for staying with their abusers are extremely complex and, in most cases, are based on the reality that their abuser will follow through with the threats they have used to keep them trapped: the abuser will hurt or kill them, they will hurt or kil the kids, they wil win custody of the children, they will harm or kill pets or others, they will ruin their victim financially--the list goes on. The victim in violent relationships knows their abuser best and fully knows the extent to which they will go to make sure they have and can maintain control over the victim. The victim literally may not be able to safely escape or protect those they love. A recent study of intimate partner homicides found 20% of homicide victims were not the domestic violence victims themselves, but family members, friends, neighbors, persons who intervened, law enforcement responders, or bystanders.
Additional barriers to escaping a violent relationship include but are not limited to:
- The fear that the abuser's actions will become more violent and may become lethal if the victim attempts to leave.
- Unsupportive friends and family
- Knowledge of the difficulties of single parenting and reduced financial circumstances
- The victim feeling that the relationship is a mix of good times, love and hope along with the manipulation, intimidation and fear.
- The victim's lack of knowledge of or access to safety and support
- Fear of losing custody of any children if they leave or divorce their abuser or fear the abuser will hurt, or even kill, their children
- Lack of means to support themselves and/or their children financially or lack of access to cash, bank accounts, or assets
- Lack of having somewhere to go (e.g. no friends or family to help, no money for hotel, shelter programs are full or limited by length of stay)
- Fear that homelessness might happen if they leave
- Religious or cultural beliefs and practices may not support divorce or may dictate outdated gender roles and keep the victim trapped in the relationship
- Belief that two parent households are better for children, despite abuse
Societal Barriers to Escaping a Violent RelationshipIn addition to individual obstacles victims face when escaping violent relationships, society in general presents barriers. These include:
- A victim's fear of being charged with desertion, losing custody of children, or joint assets.
- Anxiety about a decline in living standards for themselves and their children
- Reinforcement of clergy and secular counselors of "saving" a couples relationship at all costs, rather than the goal of stopping the violence.
- Lack of support to victims by police officers and law enforcement who may treat violence as a "domestic dispute," instead of a crime where one person is physically attacking another person. Often victims of abuse are arrested and charged by law enforcement even if they are only defending themselves against the batterer.
- Reluctance by prosecutors to prosecute the cases. Some may convice the abuser to plead to a lesser charge, thus furthering endangering victims. Additionally, judges rarely impose the maximum sentence upon convicted abusers. Probation or a fine is much more common.
- Despite the issuing of a restraining order, there is little to prevent a released abuser from returning and repeating abuse.
- Some religous and cultural practices that stress that divorce is forbidden.
- The socialization of some made to believe they are responsible for making their relationship work. Failure to maintain the relationship equals failure as a person.
- Isolation from friends and families, either by the jealous and possesive abuser, or because they feel "ashamed" of the abuse and try to hide signs of it from the outside world. The isolation contributes to a sense that there is nowhere to turn.
- The rationalization of the victim that their abuser's behavior is caused by stress, alcohol, problems at work, unemployment, or other factors.
- Societal factors that teach women to believe their identities and feelings of self-worth are contingent upon getting and keeping a man.
- Inconsistency of abuse; during non-violent phases, the abuser may fulfill the victim's dream of romantic love. The victim may also rationalize the abuser is basically good until something bad happens and they have to "let off steam."